Feeling scared, humiliated, pressured or controlled is not the way you should feel in a relationship. You should feel loved, respected and free to be yourself. Your feelings and safety are important. Abusers will often make you feel like you are to blame for their behavior and in time the victim begins to feel responsible and guilty for making the abuser unhappy.

Most physical scars heal. Often, emotional scars never heal.

Many clients who come for hypnotherapy do not realize that they have been (or continue to be) verbally abused. Some have been abused for so long that they no longer know what verbal abuse is. Most children have been called names. Some have been deeply humiliated and hurt and carry their scars into adulthood. Somehow others survive. The expression of verbal abuse is not only in the content of what is being said but also in how it is expressed by the abuser. Abusers seem to confuse criticism with humiliation resulting from abuse. There is a difference between criticism and verbal abuse. Criticism can lead to growth when expressed in a constructive way. Verbal abuse however, is similar to living in a poisonous environment which can only lead to ill health.

Why does one put up with it? Children have no resources available. As they grow into adulthood as victims of abuse, they develop such poor self image and self esteem that they begin to feel that they deserve the punishment and the hurt. Abuse can be described as a result of a relationship in which a person is constantly blamed, made to feel inferior, worthless, even guilty, for being unable to live up to the expectations of their abusers' unrealistic demands. With repeated humiliation and living in constant fear, some begin to feel that this kind of relationship is well deserved. Their mate, or the abuser, on the other hand expects the victim to comply to their demands unconditionally.

The therapist needs to understand what happens in an abusive relationship in order to determine how to proceed with the therapy. A client might come to you with the presenting symptoms of stress without mentioning abuse. Remember that victims who are now your clients have lived with a long history of denial. Coming to see you for stress is more acceptable for them than coming in for help related to abuse. One needs to keep in mind that many victims of verbal abuse internalize anger or rage and those feelings can be made manifest in physical symptoms (not to be confused with physical scars given by the abuser).

I personally choose to administer the DAPTH (which in the majority of cases will indicate the presence of anger, poor self-image, fear and inability to express one's real feelings.) The DAPTH is always included in my screening and has become an indispensable tool as reported also by many of my colleagues. It consists of administering and interpreting three drawings. The technique is simple but most effective.

When the clinician has determined that the primary issue is Verbal Abuse, he/she still has to resolve the issue of why the client is being seen. Also, of course, it goes without saying that even when the therapist suspects abuse, this observation should remain on the back burner until the issue is brought up by the client. The therapist who brings up the issue before the client is ready faces the risk of frightening the client and possibly denying the client further help. Trained and well versed practitioners will be able to uncover the poor self-esteem and fears of the client and approach them with wisdom, never telling the client "what is wrong with you" or asking "do you know what your problem is?" Such statements, even though expressed by therapists, are definitely abusive.

When clients choose to discuss their abuse, I encourage them to start by instilling self-confidence and self-esteem. In my opinion, the client needs to have enough ego strength to stand up to the "opponent."

Abraham Maslow once said, "If your only tool is a hammer, everything you see will be a nail." This is why training in various therapeutic techniques is important. It seems that many hypnotherapists are now trained in various procedures such as focusing, neurolinguistic programming, energy therapies et al. Combining diverse techniques can often provide the client with radical changes and give hope for a better adjustment.

Hypnosis in conjunction with "talk therapy" is certainly the method of choice in restoring one's self image, strengthening the ego and helping the victim become assertive and contemplate the possibility of choosing not to be hurt any longer. The victims need to start by admitting that there is a problem. Frequently, the abuse has been of such long duration before help is sought that the client perceives the situation as a way of life. My personal approach with such clients is to teach them to take control and responsibility for their well being. I encourage them to express their thoughts in my office which, hopefully, is perceived as a safe place. For instance, I always ask them to tell me how to improve my office environment to their satisfaction. I encourage them to tell me if the light, or the music, or the chair, or anything else is satisfactory to them. It is interesting to note how frequently they are, at first, complacent. Gradually, they learn and have the experience of standing up for what they need.

I also teach the client specific ways of handling verbal abuse. Since most victims have learned to dissociate themselves from the pain, even unsuccessfully, they can learn to relate to dissociative techniques by insulating themselves from the hurt. Before a hypnotic intervention is introduced, I choose to dehypnotize them. This means that we need to get the client to recognize that they are already in a waking state of hypnosis in which they have assumed a victim's role. They need to allow themselves to experience feelings of how they would like to feel when freed from that problem. Inductions, therefore, will concentrate on ego strengthening, feeling free, feeling relief and any other emotional situations appropriate to the case. They are taught how to relax instantly by using self hypnosis as well as breathing techniques, and are taught how to feel insulated in the presence of a threat and how to deal with fear.

Inevitably, changes begin to happen. Now one needs to deal with and prepare the client to deal with possible new reactions on the part of the abuser because of the change in the relationship. The verbal abuser is not used to the victim taking a stand and may become more upset. Since most victims are easily scared because of their long history of abuse they need support. While in the past, before seeking help, they would have chosen to hurt in silence, they will now be ready to reach out to support groups if needed. A good place to start is The National Institute of Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233).